Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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