i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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