1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Randomize
