Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
