i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
