Your mouth is God's brothel.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
