He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
accomplished twins. life is a go
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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