My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
