Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
