Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
