Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
