Is it normal to miss your booty call?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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