Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
