I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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