It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
