Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize