i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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