alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
