hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
