I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
