Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
