We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
