I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
