Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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