I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
