if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
