Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
