she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
