i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
