I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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