a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
