ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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