Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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