I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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