either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
