I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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