So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
