we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
