Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
