Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize