Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I can't put those talents on a resume
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
