My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
