Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
i believe in u and ur pee
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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