Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
