You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
