i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
