to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
