all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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