I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
