Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
