my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize