I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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