I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
