i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
