My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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