Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
